My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
