By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
