rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
4 words: hood of his car
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
