Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
