For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
