yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
