the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
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Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
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Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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