Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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