i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
