First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
