Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
