saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
