the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
