Will you blow on my dice?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
