last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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