oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
