I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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