if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
