You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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