It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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