I wish my penis had an off switch
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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