we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
