If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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