sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
