Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
