Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
