Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
