you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
