His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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