he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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