this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
