Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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