turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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