Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
