thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
