in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
