Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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