i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
