You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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