foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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