Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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