I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
