I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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