My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
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I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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