my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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