Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
