i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
