I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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