I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
