I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
