not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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