i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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