I'm pants shitting drunk right now
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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