just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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