There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
