Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
