saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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